hold on tight?

Sometimes it is only when we take a step back and look at all we have and all that we've been through that we feel most fulfilled. Over the last few months I have moved back to Louisiana to teach, and while a lot of things have happened so quickly, there's a side of it that seems to be moving in slow motion. So why is it that even with such mastery of skill, the transition and change always appear to be looming overhead? It's like you've reached the light at the end of the tunnel...so now what?

For a while now I have been living the routine life of a teacher: up at 5, teaching until 3, working until 9...overtime? And while part of me has bittersweet feelings about work, location, and change, I have recently forced myself to become more acclimated to my current conditions. In mass I was challenged to become detached from whatever it is that I was holding onto. How hysterical is that? I am the queen of holding on. After self-diagnosing (which I have also convinced myself I'm a pro at...and probably do way too much of) I think that I hold on because I fear what will happen if I let go. I don't want "letting go" to mean forgetting, but I've learned that it doesn't have to mean that at all. I was afraid of seeing parts of the new light in my life. I was so comfortable living in memories. Part of change is growing up and moving on, learning to make decisions. Because I'm physically in a different place now than I have been in for the 5 years and still holding on, it can feel like I've been stuck in the never-ending tunnel--like I'm constantly anticipating the light. But when I step back and take a look at all that I've gone through in college and graduate school I realize that I was living in the light all that time.

I miss it incredibly--friends, the city, experiences, and all those lessons learned. And while I want to hold onto it all, I realize that the only way for me to fully accept where I am now is to let go of a it a little. I can't go back in time, but I can certainly go back...to friends, to the city, to experience things, to learn things. I am understanding that detaching just means letting go of the things that keep you from living for today. Once we surrender all of my anxieties and conflicts between past and present, we won't be afraid of today anymore.

So here I am, LA...I detach, I surrender, I'm not afraid anymore.